kay that day staff peijia talk to me.. idk how she and the other specialists can tell but i really somehow lost my passion for ncc. hmm. after what she say i have been thinking about for these few days. idk why just like this year then i kind of just treat ncc as a cca. not ncc. i really missed the time where i will be like YES! TODAY GOT NCC! this doesn't happen at all now. i will instead be like.. sian, later got cca again. idk why but almost every tues and friday, me and chua will be dreading cca in class. i just like always hoping later during act wont screw up, hope wont get scolded a lot, hope wont cnc cos i dont want to screwed up and disappoint my specs. hope will be able to ta han through that act, hope wont be too hiong, hope wont get too tired. all these just make me dread act a little. its hard to say like i want to love ncc to the core! sometimes you just wont like it. idk if anybody will understand me but ya, it is really not one of those things that you can say you like then you will really like it already. i was quite sad that i lost my passion for ncc. jamie too. it just seems like a cca now. i really missed the times that i will go around screaming I LOVE NCC TO THE CORE! i realised i really used to do that.. esp when i read my previous blog's posts. i didn't know i once loved ncc so much. but idk what happened now. i tried to get back my passion so i went on to join and take part in more activities like mount ophir & kayaking. but everything just didn't turned out really well. i still cant feel the passion that i once had. this is quite sad. my tears almost came down when staff peijia talk to me about it cos i remembered about all the march camps. i didn't really replied her much cos idk what to say. i rmb how much i cried last march camp but i really learnt a lot from it. all the tears from me. my platoon mates. and previous specialists. but this march camp which is like the last march camp as a cadet, i screwed it. i really regreted cos i think i can really put in much more effort. and i was quite unlucky i was sick a few days b4 march camp, throughout the camp and after that. if i hadn't been sick i think i really could do a lot more better. i think i am a failure. i flung everything esp gsk. i prepared like shit for ifc mutual, studied gsk, tried cnc, praticed hard the march camp dance. it took a lot of my time but in the end nth turned out well. i am so failed. idk what happen. why cant i just do better?! now ncc is just like fears. i will be very scared that i flung all the things esp with so many zai ppl like weely geraldine wanyi ali. i totally fail. idk what to say. ncc just doesn't feel like ncc now. more like a cca..

i really want to get back the feeling. my passion for ncc

and yes. i rmb my dream to be a pc. i dont know if it will be possible now. so many are also fighting to be partc pc. i really dont know if i can get that post even if i tried my best to fight for it too. but wont it be very bad. i dont like this kind of things.. like have to fight and be better than your platoon mates.. but i know if i dont i might regret. i want to have the best memory of ncc and be what i want to be. then i can be proud and say i LOVE NCC.

hope things will really turned for the better. i dont wish that our previous specs come back to see us and ask me what happened.. i dont want them to feel sad and like they had wasted their time and effort to make me a proud member of ncc and a good cadet. i want show them i can do it! so i must do it! i really have to.